...victim · to · a · faceless · stranger...

i'm slowly regressing into that passive-depressive state.. where i'm finding that i just don't care for anything, and hardly anyone. i've barely seen any friends since i got here. its like.. all during school, everyone missed me soooo much. then i get back here, and no one wants to do anything... or, they do want to do something, but i must be made the third wheel.

i don't think you understand, i want to hang out with YOU
.. not youandyourromanticinvolvement.

i'd rather stay home, honestly.
or chill at the bookstore with
myself, my coffee, and my glasses.
i don't need your pity.

...either that, or if i dont bring up the fact that i want to do something,
no one else suggests anything. or they never call me when they come in, or even
tell me when they're in.. after going on to me about how "I can't wait to see you
this weekend!!"..so i clear everything for that day..and end up just sitting around.

i'm not going to twist your arm time after time,
repeatedly telling you i want to hang out.
if you want to see me so bad, you fucking make plans,
and tell me you'll be there in 15 minutes to pick me up..
or i'll pick you up.. whatever.

i'm tired of this passive bullshit.
i'm tired of people never following through.
i'm tired of people making stupid choices
and blaming me, saying that i'm the problem.

well, guess what, i'm not.


dez almost came to see me last weekend,
which would have been completely amazing.
ciufo is depressed we haven't seen each other
since school got out.. although we still regularly talk.
jack basically tackled me with a hug when
he saw me a few weekends ago..
*sigh*

i miss school.

this time next year, hopefully, i'll be looking for an apartment in brooklyn,
so i never have to come back here.

the valley sucks.

i really just want to die already.
no joke.

i guess i'm in the mood for a rambling entry...

these past three weeks have been pretty much heaven... minus the stress of Finals. Tim is an amazing person.. as well as an outstanding artist. he reminds me of the me i used to be.. who i would still like to be, but can't... due to extending circumstances. it comforts me to be in his presence. he has this quiet confidence about him that i just love... plus he looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.. even down to the green shirt and brown pants.. haha. that amuses me.

anyway, he's one of the most genuinely nice people i've ever met. i'm incredibly excited to go up to Rochester and see him and Ciufo again. good memories are associated with sarah ciufo's house. =] ....plus she has goats. heh.

i have pretty much concluded that i'm going to go insane if i don't take weekend road trips. i don't have many people here to hang out with on a daily basis.... and after playing socialite back in college, coming back here is rather depressing. =| alex won't hang out with me anymore, just because he says "its too hard." ...which, i understand i suppose. i wish i could make things easier on him, but, i think the time has passed for us being together. i still care for him... and i'll always care for him... but the time for us being a couple has passed. it makes me sad, still. i cleaned off my desk that had almost 4 years worth of memories on it from our time together. about 50 movie tickets, little trinkets, a dozen stuffed animals, and old birthday cards... now all packed away in a box. i don't have the heart to throw it away. i'm still not ready to fully depart with everything.

...


i guess all i can do for right now is bond with the only thing that was ever there for me no matter what circumstance. ...Art Saves.. it's true. it's been proven. as long as i have it, i don't think much else can go wrong in my life as long as i'm creating. its so calming. and theres no where else in the world i would rather be, than in my world.

=]

...i'm sitting here listening to this song called "Tulips" by Bloc Party. I remember sitting on my bed talking to mike late at night to this song. and i remember him walking into my room and saying "hey there cutie" with a big smile on his face while this song was playing. we used to listen to this song all the time. i hate how songs are associated with memories. i still miss mike. a lot more than i should. i dont even have reason to miss him. i think i still love him, and it sucks.

i went to a party down at the train tracks last night.. there was a bonfire and the whole sha'bang. marshmellows, hot dogs, beer [as if that wasn't obvious]. it was a good time. it's under a bridge, so everyone brought spraypaint and tagged their "artistic signature" under the bridge. it looked really cool. anyway... mike was staring at me the whole night. sat/stood next to me most of the night. i don't know why... he didn't even say a word to me. we're finally starting to speak to one another again... but it just makes me miss him more. i still get depressed when i think of everything i've done with him, and the conversations we had, and knowing that it'll just never happen again. i guess i'm depressed over being abandoned. its not that i'm even bitter or spiteful over it anymore... i just want to be able to chill with him again and rest my head on his shoulder. even if its for one more day.

[..end song.. "cause you're the one i love..."...]

so i finally called my mom and told her about my septum piercing. sorta.

she was in best buy when i called, so at least i had the advantage of her being in a public area, and i knew she wasn't going to scream.

the conversation went something like this:
"uhm.... by the way" *long pause* "i kinda got my nose pierced."
mom: "kind of?"
me: "well... i did."
mom: *silence and sigh*
mom: "ok."
me: "i wanted to tell you now, so you have 24 hours notice. and i don't surpise you with it."
mom: "*sigh* ok."
me: "its really small though. like.. really small."
mom: "*sigh* when did this happen?"
me: "about a week and a half ago. {<---lie.}
mom: "well you know what your father is going to say. i can't promise a good reaction."
me: "i know. but i just wanted to tell you, becase i'm worried i was going to ruin your easter."
mom: "ok."


.....so.... pretty much, i'm screwed. hardcore.

and they say they're not conservative. psh.

>_____<

fgdshfngdlsjfnglhbgfsdhfngd...!!!!!!!!!

...so last night mike decided not to come up to bed.
i saw him at lunch. and i saw him at dinner. that was it.
i didn't see him the whole weekend either, with the exception of sleeping.
he told me he loved me.
i thought it was fine.
he broke up with me this morning.
fuck you.
Dez thinks he'll miss me and come crawling back.
i hope he does, so i can drop a bomb on him
the way that he did to me.
dont fucking tell me you love me,
and 24 hours later be like "i can't do this."
i fucking hate people that dont say what they mean.
i hate when people tell me they love me,
and once they get to know me, they say i'm intolerable.

fuck you.

all of you.

dont EVER tell me you love me.
fuck you.

so i just gave myself a monroe with a sewing needle. it didnt hurt. at all. like literally.... NOT. AT. ALL. the only reason why i felt it go through at all was because it hit my teeth on the other side. it was insane. O_o ..it took me less than 10 seconds to pierce it. crazy.

anyway, the placement and angle was perfect. but the jewlery was too short. -_- ...i read you could use 18g nose screws as jewlery.. but apparently, i have pouty lips, and the jewlery was too short. actually, i probably could have fit it, but i didnt want to have the jewlery tight with the swelling. soooo... jewlery tomorrow. and toner.

white hair and new piercings.
yay!
^_^

anyway, once mike gets money we're going to go and i'm going to get my septum done. *sigh*

soooo.. thats my story.

...i stole this from stef. because i'm bored. have insomnia. and haven't done one of these in while.



Body: Time Started:: 1:17 am

Your full name :: samantha-blye
Height :: 5'9"
Natural hair color :: black with grey [i was born with grey streaks, thank you.]
Eye color :: blue-grey.. they change.
Glasses/contacts? :: both
Piercings :: none that you can see. unless you're lucky.=P
Tattoos :: not yet
Braces? :: i wish. i miss mine. =[


FAVORITE

Color :: anything nauseatingly bright.. and black.
Band :: no particular.
Song :: no particular.
Video game :: So Cal III
TV show :: Project Runway/ Project Jay <333
Movie :: 5th element/ eddie scissorhands
Book :: eh.. can't really choose.
Food :: japanese. =]
Game on a cell phone :: bowling or something stupid like that
Flower :: venus fly trapzzzz... YAY! ^_^
Scent :: car exhausts. [reminds me of winter. and i love winter.]
Animal :: kittens! ^_^
Comic book :: ...?
Cereal :: something semi-fruity and semi-grainy.
Website :: model mayhem. so call me narcissistic.
Cartoon :: s0uth park. =]

DO YOU

Play an instrument? :: i could if i want. i usually dont.
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week? :: possibly. if i was sick or something.
Like to sing? :: To myself
Have a job? :: not currently.
Have a cell phone? :: indeed
Like to play sports? :: snowboard. thats it.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? :: boyfriend.
Have a crush on someone? :: sort of.
Live somewhere NOT in the united states? :: i wish.
Have more than 5 TVs in your house? :: back home.
Have any special talents/skills? :: i can bend the first joints of my fingers independantly from my other joints.. if that counts.
Excercise daily? :: yes. sort of. *shifty eyes*

CAN YOU

Sing the alphabet backwards? :: never
Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes? :: indeed
Speak any other languages? :: bits of russian, latin and spanish. mostly russian though.
Go a day without food? :: Mmhmm
Stay up for more than 24 hours? :: indeed.
Read music, not just tabs? :: basics.
Roll your tongue? :: i wish
Eat a whole pizza? :: indeed. ^_^


HAVE YOU EVER

Snuck out of the house? :: yeah
Cried to get out of trouble? :: sure
Gotten lost in your city? :: lol, yes. O_o
Seen a shooting star? :: yeah.. *shrugs*.. nothing special.
Been to any other countries besides the united states? :: canada.
Had a serious surgery? :: nah
Stolen something important to someone else? :: not really
Solved a rubiks cube? :: nahh
Gone out in public in your pajamas? :: for snowboarding and stuff
Cried over a girl? :: nah
Cried over a boy? :: yeah
Kissed a random stranger? :: ew. no.
Hugged a random stranger? :: 3 fet of personal space, please
Been in a fist fight? :: with stef.. =].. and a few other people, when i actually meant it
Been arrested? :: nah
Done drugs? :: ...eh.
Had alcohol? :: occassionally.
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose? :: sprite.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator? :: nah. i hate that.
Been to warped tour? :: indeed
Kicked a guy where it hurts? :: not intentionally.
Been in love? :: yes
Been close to love? :: probably
Been to a casino? :: indeed
Ran over an animal and killed it? :: thank goodness no.
Broken a bone? :: cracked. not broke.
Gotten stitches? :: nah. butterflys. they heal. eventually.
Had a waterballoon fight in winter? :: back in the day with chrissy.
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour? :: ew. milk.
Made homemade muffins? :: <333 yessss
Bitten someone? :: heh. of course
Been to disneyland/disneyworld? :: yep
More than 5 times? :: nah. fuck flordia.
Been to niagra falls? :: yes. its nice.
Burped in someones face? :: mmhmmmm
Gotten the chicken pox? :: negatory


WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU


Brushed your teeth :: this morning
Went to the bathroom :: 5 mins ago
Saw a movie in theaters :: uhhmmm.. i dunno. its been awhile.
Read a book :: an hour ago
Had a snow day :: last year
Had a party :: uhhmm... awhile ago.
Had a slumber party :: loooong time ago
Made fun of someone :: everyday, my dears. =]
Tripped in front of someone :: everyday. =|
Went to the grocery store :: saturday
Got sick :: awhile ago
Cursed :: ..pretty much.. never. i dont even recall.


PICK ONE


Fruit/vegetables :: Fruit
Black/white :: Black
Lights on/lights off :: Off
TV/movie :: Movie
Car/truck :: Car
Body spray/lotion :: Spray
Cash/check :: Cash
Pillows/blankets :: Blankets
Headache/stomach ache :: Headache
Paint/charcoal :: charcoal <3
Chinese food/mexican food :: chinese
Summer/winter :: winter <3333
Snow/rain :: snow
Fog/misty :: Misty
Rock/rap :: Rock
Meat/vegetarian :: vegetarian
Boy/girl :: they both have their pros and cons
Chocolate/vanilla :: vanilla
Sprinkles/icing :: rainbow sprinkles. <333
Cake/pie :: 3.14 ;D
French toast/french fries :: French fries
Strawberries/blueberries :: Strawberries
Ocean/swimming pool :: ocean
Hugs/kisses :: kisses
Cookies/muffins :: Muffinzzz <3
Wallet/pocket :: pocket
Window/door :: door
Emo/goth :: goth
Pink/purple :: pink
Cat/dog :: kitten!
Long sleeve/short sleeve :: long
Pants/shorts :: Pants
Winter break/spring break :: winter break
Spring/autumn :: autumn
Clouds/clear sky :: Clouds
Moon/mars :: Moon

Time ended:: 1:32 am